Does God See Me?!!!

Does God even care?

Does He even know what I am dealing with right now?

Does God really understand how I FEEL?!!!

Does He see my struggle, my pain, my grief, my doubt, my fear, my worries, my anxiety, my sorrow?

DOES GOD SEE **ME**?!

To be honest, sometimes, it doesn't seem like it.

If I am being real, sometimes I feel overlooked, forgotten.
Or worse, unwanted.
Like the kid who doesn't get picked for the kickball game at recess.

Then more feelings start to pile up.
More lies creep in.
"I must not be good enough."

Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not popular enough.
Not funny enough.

Not ___________ enough.
Fill in the blank.

And all that translates to I'M NOT ENOUGH.

This has been the battle raging in my brain, and heart, the past week or so.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm walking through a minefield and explosions keep going off all around me.
It's intense, y'all.

But here's the deal though.
While Satan is ATTACKING me, God is fighting FOR me.

Satan spews lies.
God whispers the Truth.

Satan casts shadows of doubt.
God shines His LIGHT and offers a glimmer of HOPE.

Satan throws rocks.
His arsenal is never-ending.
Fear.
Worry.
Jealously.
Anger.
Bitterness.
He wants me to compare myself to others, to make me think it's a competition.

I'm not playing that game.

Because God IS MY ROCK.
My fortress.
My stronghold.
My soul rests in HIM.
And I CANNOT be shaken.

This morning as the war for my soul broke out again, I was reminded of Hagar.

You can read the first part of the story in Genesis 16, but here's the Cliff Notes version:

Sarai has a slave named Hagar.
Sarai was jealous of Hagar.
Because Hagar was pregnant.
Because Sarai had ordered her to sleep with her husband.
Because Sarai was tired of waiting for God to fulfill His promise.
But none of that mattered.
Hagar was pregnant and Sarai was not.
And Sarai's jealously got ugly real quick.

Her bitterness turned to rage.
And in fear for her life, Hagar fled.

Somewhere along the way, Hagar stops by a spring in the wilderness.
An angel of the Lord appears to her and asks where she is going.
Hagar explains she is running away from Sarai.

The angel tells her to GO BACK.

Um, did you hear what I just said?!
Sarai wants to KILL me?
And you want me to go back to her?
Did you fall on your head when you came down from heaven?!

The angel assures Hagar he understands the situation.
He goes on to tell her that her offspring will be too many to count (sounds a lot like the promise God made to Abram).  He explains that she is going to have a SON and his name is to be ISHMAEL.

Ismael means "God will hear."
As the angel told Hagar, "the Lord has heard your cry of affliction."

God heard Hagar in the wilderness.
A slave.
A rejected outcast.
A "nobody" in that day's society.

STIILL, God heard her.

And did you catch it?
When the angel appeared to her, he called Hagar by her name.

God KNEW who she was.
And He loved her.
He had a plan and a purpose for her.
He gave her a PROMISE.

And she BELIEVED him.

In response to what the angel told her, Hagar does something remarkable.
She is the ONLY person in ALL of Scripture to do this.
THE ONLY ONE.

"So she NAMED the Lord who spoke to her."
The God who heard her, who called her by name, Hagar in turn gave HIM a name.

"You are El-roi."
THE GOD WHO SEES.
"In this place, have I actually seen the One who sees me?"

God heard Hagar.
He called her by name.
He SAW her.
And HE WENT TO HER.
He met her, there in the wilderness.

Sarai told her GO AWAY.
God said I WILL COME TO YOU.

Sarai treated her with hatred.
God showered her with love.

Sarai persecuted her and wanted her dead.
God promised her LIFE and gave her a future.

With hope and renewed strength, Hagar returns to Sarai.
She gives birth to Ishmael.
Life goes on.

No details are given, but I am gonna guess it wasn't a walk in the park.

13 years later, God appears again to Abram.
God renames him Abraham and his wife Sarah.
 AND He confirms that SARAH will have a son, and THAT son will be the one who fulfills the promise waaaaaaay back in Genesis 15.  You know, the one He made like 23 years ago.

Sure enough, within the next year, SARAH has a son.
ISAAC.
"Laughter."
Because according to Sarah, "God has made me laugh, and everyone who hears will laugh with me."

Maybe Ishmael's laughter was annoying to Sarah.
Or maybe she felt like Ishmael was MOCKING Isaac instead of celebrating him.
Whatever the case, Sarah was NOT happy.
And once again, her anger esclated quickly.

Once more, Hagar is forced to flee.
At least this time Abraham sends her with some supplies.

Ishmael is a teenage boy by now and bread isn't gonna last long.
And soon after, the water was gone too.

Again, Hagar is alone in the wilderness.
She is prepared to die.
But she can't bear to watch her son die.
She lays him under a bush and then finds a place to sit and mourn.

The vultures begin to circle.

Ishmael's crying.
Hagar's weeping.

And guess who hears?
GOD.
God hears them.

He calls out to Hagar.
BY NAME.

He hasn't forgotten her.
He remembers her.
And the promise He made her.

Once more, El-roi, the GOD WHO SEES, saw Hagar.
She named Him well.

And then, this God Who Sees helped Hagar see.
"He opened her eyes, and she saw a well." 
They drank.
They survived.
They settled in the Wilderness of Paran.
And as God promised, Ishmael's descendants were too many to count.
(In Genesis 25, we learn he had 12 sons, and I'm sure those sons had sons and so on....)

Twice Hagar is sent away.
Twice God goes to her in the wilderness.

Twice Hagar is rejected and despised.
Twice God protects her, provides for her.

Twice Hagar faces death.
Twice God offers her LIFE.

God knew where Hagar was, what she was going through, and exactly what she needed.

He heard her cries.
And answered her.

He SAW His daughter.
He called her by name.

He is indeed the GOD WHO SEES.
Then...and now.

TODAY.
He sees me.
He knows the battle raging inside.

As Satan tries to convince me, "You're not enough," God counters, "You are mine."

I have to choose who to believe.

Sometimes that means readng God's promises over and over.

Sometimes it means listening to Lauren Daigle sing YOU SAY on repeat.

Her lyrics are true for YOU too.
Because they are based on God's Word.

And so, the promises I post on my fridge and mirror and phone are true for YOU too.

God saw Hagar.
He sees me.
And He sees YOU.

Cry out to Him.
He will HEAR you.

Best of all, He will COME to you.
Whatever, wherever your wilderness may be right now, God will meet you there.

Covid-19 can't keep Him away.
God has no stay-at-home order.
He is NOT quaratined.

His power has no limit.
His peace has no restrictions.
His presence has no boundaries.

As God helped Hagar see the well, may He help us see HIM here with us today.
Fighting BESIDE us.
Fighting FOR us.

Thoughts Running through My Head

I am still not sure what exactly my pastor said this morning as I sat on my couch and watched his message on my TV, as we "do" church during these days of stay-at-home orders.

COVID-19 may have us quaratined in our houses, but life is NOT cancelled.
Nor is hope.

As my friend Whitney and her family so beautifully reminded us this past week, HOPE IS HERE.
It's not coming.
We don't have to wait for it.
It's here already.
RIGHT NOW.

Even in the midst of the chaos and challenges of the corona virus. 
HOPE IS HERE.

And this morning, I felt that.
So very much.

I felt it as I watched my girls sing and dance and worship with the people on our screen.
I felt it as a I listened to my pastor.
I felt it as we took communion together as a family.
I felt it I videod my girls acting out a Palm Sunday play.

I pray YOU feel it now as you read my words.
They were inspired by my pastor's message.
At some point, I can't even remember when, he said something that stirred something in my heart.

I grabbed my phone, clicked on an app, and pulled up a new note.
I typed out:

Books may not be written about me.
I may not ever write a book (a dream of mine).
BUT my name IS in THE Book that matters, the BOOK OF LIFE.

I then went back to listening to Tim.
But thoughts kept running through my head, as he spoke about running with endurance the race set before us.  Our passage was Hebrews 12:1-2 if you want to read the verses on your own. 

He reminded us that life is NOT a sprint.
It's not a 5k, 10k, half marathon, or even FULL marathon.
Rather, it's an ULTRA marathon.

Tim, an avid long distance runner (one of those crazy people who actually LIKES running and does it BY CHOICE for FUN), shared how those in the ultra marathon community have a motto to get them through the long, hard miles.  When they don't feel like they can take another step, they remember that the race is finished simply by making RELENTLESS FORWARD PROGRESS.

It may not be pretty.
Or fast.
But rather, one plodding step after another, they go on.
With RELENTLESS FORWARD PROGRESS.

As soon as he said that, I picked my phone back up and jotted that phrase down.
And then a whole HOST of thoughts came rushing through my head.
The race was ON apparently.

Here's what my thumbs feverishly typed out:

In our race of life, we take ONE more step forward.
We face ONE more day,
one more load of laundry,
one more diaper change,
one more meal prepared,
one more mess cleaned up,
one more bedtime story read.

No one may ever see waht you do behind the walls of your home (office, classroom, etc).
But GOD sees.
He knows.

You may have heard the quote, "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world."

We KNOW the heroes.
We know their names, their stories.

However, we must NOT forget that their stories are possible because of IMPORTANT people "behind the scenes" and also those characters in supporting roles. 

We may not be familiar with those individuals.
We most likely don't know their names.

BUT, behind those well-known men, women, and children whose names we DO know are "unknown" MOTHERS (and fathers, brothers, sisters, teachers, friends, college roommates, high school teammates, preschool playmates, neighbors, co-workers, etc).

They are just as much a part of the story.
Whether we realize it or not.

You may not EVER get the lead role.
   or even find your name in the LOOOOOOONG list written in the TINIEST print at the end of the movie as the credits scroll and the screen is turned off or people make their way out of the theater (remember those days when we WENT to the theater?!) paying no attention to and showing no appreciation for the part YOU played in making the grand production happen

You may never sit in first chair
    or ANY chair in the band or orchestra

You may never have a solo in the musical
    or even get a part in the chorus

You may never win a gold medal or blue ribbon
    or award of ANY kind

You may not be mentioned on the honor roll or make First Team All-State

You may never be interviewed for a TV news story or newspaper article

You may never build an Instagram following of 1000s
    or get more than a few likes on Facebook

Your tik tok videos may never go viral

You may never have your own YouTube channel

You may life your live day after day after day and feel completely unseen, unknown.
Lost in the crowd
Left behind

You may think (wrongly) that your "ordinary" life doesn't matter.
You may be tempted to stop running the race set before you.

Why keep going?
Why even bother?
No one seems to notice, appreciate, or care anyway...

You may think you don't have a story to tell at all.
You feel forgotten
Nameless

And still
Even then
ESPECIALLY THEN
your name CAN BE in the Book of Life!!!

Because GOD knows your name
and the number of hairs on your head
and EVERY SINGLE detail about you.

He created you
fearfully,
wonderfully,
with great care and precision and love and purpose.

You are a masterpiece, HIS masterpiece.

And God has good things planned for YOU.

He is writing YOUR story,
and thus it NEEDS to be heard,
and so it HAS to be told,
which means it MUST FIRST BE LIVED.

One day at a time.

Will you CHOOSE then to run?
TODAY,
and then day after day after day,
step after step after weary step.

It may not be pretty,
or fast.
You may feel like you're plodding more than running, but still...

You make RELENTELSS FORWARD PROGRESS.

Until that GLORIOUS day when Jesus returns (or He takes you home).

And then, as you cross the finish line, a HUGE cloud of witnesses will erupt in cheers of celebration.

I got chills as our pastor told us to imagine a stadium, the BIGGEST stadium ever, FULL of men, women, and children who finished the race before us.  Think Olympics, only 5 billion times bigger and better.

From there, you are ushered to a throne room for a private audience with the King of kings.

Trembling, you look up to see Jesus waiting
FOR YOU
with open arms, hands stretched out wide (you can see the scars from the cross where He died for you that you might stand before Him at this very moment)

He has the biggest smile on His face,
tears running down His cheeks.

He motions you to COME.

But before you can take another step,
overwhelmed with a whole range of emotions,
you fall to your knees and collapse on the floor.

There, in a heap on the ground, unable to move,
Jesus comes RUNNING towards you.

He bends down, gets right there on the floor with you,
wraps His arms around you,
and pulls you in close.

He leans in, and whispers right in your ear.
You hear YOUR NAME,
and then, "Well done, My good and faithful servant.  Well done.  I'm so glad you're here.  I've been waiting for this moment since the day you were born."

Then, He helps you to your feet and announces that the party can begin.

You go back to the stadium and join the crowd.
You see another runner coming towards the finish line and you begin to cheer,
welcoming this brother or sister with the same enthusiasm you experienced just moments before.

On and on and on it goes.
A never-ending celebration as one faithful believer after another is received into glory,
each and every one hearing their NAME called out as Jesus reads it from His Book of Life.

That vision gives me HOPE.
Here and now.
In the middle of the race.

In the mud and muck of life's challenges.
In the dark valley of the shadow of death.

In the unknown of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Yes, even now, I have hope and am going to CHOOSE to run with endurance the race set before me.
Will you join me?
Running is always so much more enjoyable with a running partner.

The idea of a super marathon,
or even the thought of a 5k,
can be overwhelming.

Let's remember how EVERY race is finished.
ONE step at a time.

Let's embrace the motto of those crazy ultra marathon people.
Let's make RELENTLESS FORWARD PROGRESS.

It may not be pretty
or fast.
We may PLOD.
But still, we move.
We live out our story, ONE day, ONE step at at time.

As 2 elf brothers just showed us, we keep going ONWARD, no matter how crazy the journey may be.

And so TODAY, we put one foot in front of the other.

As my pastor Tim described it, we simply do the next faithful thing.

2 brave sisters have demonstrated this for us.
Even as a grown adults, we can learn from their example. 
Like them, we may have to venture into the unknown, and the path may be dark, and we may be scared, and we may not think we can do all the things asked of us, but still we CAN choose do the NEXT RIGHT THING.

And if you get lost or confused, overwhelmed or distracted, as we ALL will from time to time, may I suggest listening to Emily P. Freeman's podcast.  In her peaceful, soothing voice she offers practical wisdom and heartfelt encouragement, reminding us life is lived ONE decision at a time.

Just as books (even the LOOOOONG ones like War and Peace) are written one chapter, one page, one paragraph, one sentence, one word, one letter at a time.

God has His pen in hand, ready to keep writing YOUR story.

And I for one can't wait to read it.
Or hear him call out YOUR name from His Book of Life.

I will be there in the huge crowd, jumping up and down, face painted, flags waving, shouting with joy until my voice is hoarse, cheering YOU on as you cross the finish line.

And if you beat me to the end, I know you'll do the same for me.

WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER.
ALL THE WAY TO THE FINISH.
ONE STEP AT A TIME.

Count Your Lucky Charms

A little over a month ago, I packed up my car with embroidery hoops, lamb's ear and eucalyptus and other greenery, roses and flowers galore, floral wire, wire cutters, hot glue guns, and glue sticks.  I drove to a friend's house where several other ladies would be joining us for a fun girls' night of crafting.  Laughtered filled the air as we stuffed ourselves with cheese and crackers.  When we finally pulled ourselves away to head back home, our hearts were fuller than our stomachs.

I had NO idea that would be the last time I got to hang out with a group of friends.

I didn't realize that my Wreath Wednesday scheduled for just a week later would be cancelled.
As would all of my super cute Kids Create Workshops I had planned.
My Workshop at OverFlow coffee shop would not happen either.
Nor would my Open House that I was so looking foward to.  I couldn't wait to welcome people and chat with them as they shopped in my basement.  I was eager to help them pick out personalized gifts or signs and wreaths to decorate their own homes.

March was all set up to be a fabulous month!

And then everything got shut down, including my plans.
My calendar was wiped clean.
And so was my bank account.

My heart wasn't the only thing to take a hit when COVID-19 surprised us and changed our lives in a matter of days.  Our finances took a HUGE blow.

My daycare income was GONE.

Plus, I lost a doula client because she was only allowed to have ONE person with her during labor and delivery.  Obviously, she chose her husband over me. I understood, but my grocery budget didn't.  That doula job would have fed my family of 6 for the whole month.  And that's what I was counting on.

And all those workshops I had planned required supplies, which I had JUST bought.  I had NO idea I was spending money on greenery, flowers, wood, and paint I wouldn't need.  My craft room was stocked full, but what was going to happen to my fridge and pantry?  Pretty roses and discount tobacco baskets do NOTHING for my girls' tummies.

As I stared at all my supplies, my heart sank.  I felt so foolish, having "wasted" our money.  I couldn't return anything either, because I had cut and trimmed everything to make it faster and easier for people to create during out workshops.  I wanted to weep.  Guilt and shame rushed in and overwhelmed my weary soul.

I was helpless.
And felt hopeless too.

All too soon, we heard a STAY-AT-HOME order was coming, so I headed to the grocery store to stock up.  I had enough money left in the bank to get us groceries for 3 weeks.  I prayed for sales, for the money to stretch.  I went up and down the aisles, methodically, doing my best to find the foods that would be the best "bang for my buck."

As the items in my cart quickly piled up, I felt like I needed a shirt letting people know "I'm not hoarding or panic shopping.  I am a mom of 4 kids who eat A LOT."

My total came within dollars of what I had available to spend.
I thanked Jesus, "bagged" my groceries, and drove home relieved and grateful.
Still, fear was relentless and wouldn't let go.  It was hanging on, TIGHT.

When I got home, my husband helped bring in all the food.
Before we put anything away, I made a list, which I then used to a make a menu for the next 3 weeks.  We had enough meat for suppers until April 11.  Our fresh fruits and veggies would run out  on the 4th.  I dated the packages of deli meat so we would remember each one had to last us a whole week for lunches.  The now full fridge and pantry eased my doubts, just enough to let me breathe deeply.  I could feel a supernatural peace washing over me.

But as the days went by, worry reared its ugly head every time one of my precious children asked for yet another snack.  We talked to them about rationing, explained our financial situation in kid friendly terms, and reminded them that we would NOT be eating every 3 minutes.

I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to provide.
I thought he would send me some sign orders or have people buy craft kits to do at home.
And He did.
Just not as many as I had wished.
And not nearly enough to buy enough food to sustain our family for any extended period of time.

I was starting to have flashbacks to the time when we had NO money and got a letter from the bank informing us we had overdrawn our account.  I felt the same desperation overtaking me.

What was I going to DO?!!!!

Nothing, it turns out.

GOD was going to do it all.

We got an email telling us the school district would be providing FREE meals for ALL children 18 and under.  No income requirements necessary.  No restrictions.  Just show up at 1 of 2 designated schools at the set time to pick up however many meals your family needed for the day.

So, on that first Monday, I loaded up the girls in the Yukon, and instead of dropping them off at school, we headed to a different school to get the free lunches.

Coralyn, our oldest (10 years old), was worried we would "look poor."
I confirmed that, at this moment, we are.
I quickly went on to explain how fornuate we are that Daddy still has his job and that we could still pay all our bills.  We were far better off than waaaaaay too many people affected by COVID-19.

We got our bag of food and headed home.
When I went to hand each girl her LUNCH, I realized that BREAKFAST and SNACKS were also included!  As were TWO containers of milk.  For EACH girl.

God had said, "I see you.  I hear your prayers.  Watch what I can do."
Ephesians 3:20 was playing out in our lives all over again.

I am beyond grateful.

The girls are THRILLED to be eating "school lunch" every day.
Seriously, this is a REAL TREAT for them, as we usually allow for school lunches on the 100th day and the LAST day of school.  That's it.  ALL YEAR.

Plus, they get cereal for breakfast.
That ONLY happens at our house on weekends.
And it's "boring" cereal like Crispy Oats or Rice Squares.  EVERY once in a while I splurge and get the Aldi version of Honey Bunches of Oats.

But now, NOW they get FUN cereal like Trix, Cinnamon Squares, Cocoa Puffs, or the ABSOLUTE favorite thus far LUCKY CHARMS.   WITH THE MAGIAL UNICORN MARSHMALLOW.

I mean, they are on cloud 9.
Talk about a silver lining to this whole situation.

I am pretty sure I have NEVER bought a "kid" cereal for my girls.
Not in an entire decade of motherhood.

Coralyn BEGGED me to get a loaf of BREAD in February.
I am gluten free so we just don't do a lot of bread in our house.
Bagels for breakfast is about it.
Sometimes I get spinach or tomato tortillas to use for wraps or quesadillas.
My girls really do "suffer" with all the healthy eating that goes on over here on the regular.

But now, NOW they get a tukey and cheese sandwich WITH A BUN OR HOAGIE.
MULTIPLE times a week.
They couldn't be happier.
I mean, it's LITERALLY the best thing since sliced bread.

So, today, as I unloaded their "lunch" bags, my counter was covered with cereal, juice, milk, snacks, AND lunch.  I laughed at the single serving bowls of LUCKY CHARMS.

Tomorrow morning, as I watch the girls dig out the marshmallows and arrange them in groups of hats, horseshoes, rainbows, and clovers, I won't think about the sugar overload.  I will simply smile and thank Jesus for providing.

As they cheer when they find that elusive unicorn, my heart will overflow with joy.
They will count their lucky charms, and I will count my blessings.

Memories Are Made in the Mess

You've probably seen the signs welcoming you to a family's home with the warning, eerrrr REQUEST, "Please excuse the mess. We're making memories!"

I've personally made several versions of this quote for friends.

I've seen other options available on the world wide web.  Pinterest has countless ideas for ya!

The message is the same, no matter the exact words or design.

Memories are more important than a clean house.
Love and laughter take precedence over pristine carpet, perfectly organized play rooms, trendy decor, and picture worthy Instagram posts.

As a mom of 4 young kiddos, I have learned this lesson over and over and over again in my short decade in parenthood.

Yesterday, day whatever of our STAY-AT-HOME order during this Covid-19 Quaratine, I wanted to be a fun, creative mom.  Granted, I like to think I am a fun, creative PERSON, and motherhood simply provides me with more outlets to express those personality traits. 

I had seen countless other fun, creative moms post on social media about how they transformed their windows or patio doors into BEAUTIFUL stain glass windows.  There were crosses, hearts, flowers, and geometric designs galore.  They were gorgeous!  I was inspired.  And maybe a little jealous.

Now, maybe these moms were just desperate to brighten up their kids' day or annoyed at hearing "I'm bored" for the 107th time before 9 am.  I didn't care.  I wanted to be them.  Or at least have a beautiful window like them.

And we needed something to do for art class.

So, on Monday, I taped off the design on our 2 front windows.
I explained to the girls what we were going to do.  I got them excited. 
It was going to be amazing, EPIC.
They were pumped.

Tuesday came and it was time to make the magic happen.
They would look back on this day with fondness and smile at how fun and creative their mom was.
We would bond and create a memory for the ages.

I dutifully prepped the paints.
I had read that you should use washable paints and add a drop of Dawn dishsoap and a little bit of water to the paint to make it easier to wipe off the windows when the time for clean up came.

I set out 6 styfrofoam bowls and put a good sized glob of paint in each one.  They were bright, bold colors.  I couldn't wait to see how beautiful our window looked!

I added the Dawn, then the water.
Too much water.
The paint mixture was runny.
I tried to add more paint, but I didn't have enough paint left in my meager stash.
So the watery paint I created would have to do.
We would make the best of what we had.

I knew it was going to be messy.
But I was prepared.
I laid out a drop sheet to protect my carpet.
I even got a spare towel to have right there on hand in case of drips or spills.
I was ready.

And then the 4 girls, with their 8 feet, stepped on the drop sheet and knocked over a bowl of paint.
I explained how to gently, and slowly, and carefully, make sure their brushes didn't have too much paint on them.  They violently shook them to get the excess paint off.  Or just took them dripping to the window where more paint then proceed to run down the glass and onto the section their sister was painting.  The colors mixed. There was crying and yelling.  And the girls weren't the only ones upset.

We adjusted.
We took turns painting. 
I did the high spots.
We learned to hold the bowls as we painted so we didn't accidentally step into a spare bowl on the floor. We remembered, sometimes, to watch where we stepped so we didn't plant our feet in already spilled paint. 
We used the towel, A LOT, to wipe up spills and drips.

And eventually, we finished our masterpiece.

I took proudly took pictures, even though our windows weren't exactly what I had envisioned.
I posted on Facebook, because that is what you do these days, especially these days of quaratine.

I breathed in a sigh of relief that we hadn't made a bigger mess than we did.
Then, I went to clean up the supplies as the girls played in the yard.
Part of me wanted THEM to clean up and learn that is part of the creating process.
But a bigger part of me knew that would end in diaster and a bigger mess.
So I did it myself.

I threw away the paint bowls, gathered the brushes into an old cup, and proceeded to roll up the drop sheet.  And that's when I gasped in horror.

The large globs of paint that had spilt had LEAKED THROUGH the drop sheet.
My carpet now had sections of purple, green, pink, blue, yellow, and orange.
I panicked.

I hollored at my oldest daughter to bring me ALL the cleaning supplies under the kitchen sink.
I might as well have told her to bring the sink too.

I used all the things.
Carpet shampoo.
Vinegar and baking soda.
Hydrogen peroxide.
Whatever else was in the spray bottles in the cleaning continaer.

I scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed.
I vacuumed up the baking soda crumbs.

*Most* of the paint is gone.
But if you look closely, or really just glance in that general direction without much thought, you will see the strongwilled paint that would NOT let go of my carpet.

It adds character, right?
Gives our house depth.
A story to tell.
A memory to look back on.

Hopefully the girls remember the fun over the frantic, the laughs and not the screams, the smiles more than the tears.

As I laugh at my own mistakes that I made during the window painting experience, I can't help but think that God just might be smiling too.

How often does HE try to do a beautiful thing in my life and I make a mess of it, like my girls did with the paint and brushes and bowls?!

He formulates the plan, organizes the supplies, and gets all the details lined up.
Everything is in place.
It's going to be amazing, EPIC.

Then, I go and step in the paint bowl, splatter paint on the walls, drip paint down the window, and cry and yell and scream and stomp off because it's not working the way I want. 

He paitently explains the process, again.
He redirects me.
He reminds me of the goal, encourages me to keep going even if it's not "perfect."

And He cleans up the mess.
MY mess.

And tomorrow He will have another project ready for me.
His mercies are new every morning.
Thank goodness.

God sees past the messes we make.
He focuses on the memories.

His goal is a RELATIONSHIP with me, with YOU.
With each and every one of us.
The Creator and Sustainer of the universe wants to spend time with US.
And He LETS us work with Him.
He could totally do a MUCH better job all by Himself.
And yet, He INVITES us to work side by side with Him, knowing we will make a mess of it.

The main thing ISN'T the project anyway!
It's WHO we become in the process!!!

You see, the project isn't actually the project.
WE are.

God is at work IN you to make you into the amazing, epic masterpiece HE has envisioned since before time began!!!

So if you are feeling overwhelmed or frustrated or discouraged about a mess in your life right now,
take a deep breath.

God is STILL at work.
And bringing about something bigger and better than we can see in the here and now.

This morning, as I took my first shower of the week, I listend to the Made For This podcast as Jennie Allen and her 14 year old daughter shared about her struggle with dyslexia. Caroline, in wisdom beyond her years, explained how God uses our difficulties to grow us and draw us closer to Him.  AND then to encourage others who may be going through a hardship of their own. 

If you drive past my house and see our "stained glass" window, you will see a pretty nice heart and cross with bright, bold colors.  You WON'T see the leftover paint splattered on the walls or the stains in the carpet.  Unless I had shared, you wouldn't know about the ordeal it was to create our masterpiece.  You would just see the final outcome, and hopefully smile.  Which was the whole point!!!  You see, our main goal was to brighten someone's day and bring cheer and spread joy in this hard time.  So, even with all the messes that were made, our project was a success!!!

AS ARE YOU!!!!

"I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ." (Philippians 1:6)

"For we are His workmanship (masterpiece), created in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago." (Ephesians 2:10)

Let's give ourselves grace today, and every day.

Let's do the same for our children, and husbands.

And as we navigate this "new normal," let's embrace all the changes.
Let's CHOOSE to see this extra time "stuck" at home as a whole bunch of opportunities to make memories that will last a lifetime.

May we remember to embrace the messes that comes along with them.

And please, for the love of all that is pure and holy, share your mistakes with us.
Post a picture of your heaping pile of laundry.
Tell us the story about your kids crying and yelling and slamming doors.
Give us a peak behind the scenes.

We want the stained glass windows, but we want the splattered walls and ruined carpet too.
We want to know we are not alone in the mess!

ABIDE

At the end of each year, I start looking forward to the next.

I do my best to take some time to be alone (which is hard as a mom of 4 kids!) and sit quietly (sometimes this means getting up super early, staying up late, going for a walk to escape the noise in the house, or hiding in a closet).

I want to be still.

To LISTEN to what GOD is trying to tell me.

This shouldn't be so hard, but it is.

At least for me.

I am not a sitter.

I am a doer.

Always on the move.

Getting stuff done.

Completely tasks and checking them off my list (which usually exists only in my brain because I do not have/make time to write out an actual list using pen and paper, and don't even get me started on typing one with my thumbs into some app on my phone). 

Being still is about as hard for me as it is for a toddler to not ask WHY every 5 seconds.

BUT as 2019 was coming to an end, I felt like God was calling me to slow my busyness down.

To stop DOing so much and simply BE.

Not DO.

BE.

BE still.

BE quiet.

Be WITH Him.

Breathe.

REST.

I felt as though God was whispering ABIDE in my ear time and time again.

And so that became my word for 2020.

I just looked up ABIDE on my phone and Google tells me it has 3 meanings.

First up is accept or act in accoradance with (a rule decision, or recommendation)

Second is to be unable to tolerate (someone or something)

And finally, (of a feeling or memory) continue without fading or being lost

NONE of those are what I was expecting.

When I chose ABIDE for my word, I had been drawn to the passage in John 15 where Jesus uses the example of the vine and the branches to teach His disciples what a relationship with Him should look like.

In the first 17 verses of the chapter, I counted the word REMAIN 9 times.

Jesus starts the converstaion with His disciples with the most basic Gardening 101 lesson.

ONLY when a branch is attached to the vine, can it bear fruit.

If the branch is cut off from the vine, it's unable to bear fruit.  It's useless, and worse yet, DEAD.

They all knew this.

It was NOT new knowledge to them.

They grew up in a very agricultural community.

They understood very well how vines and branches and grapes and wine worked.

Jesus took the familar and applied it to the spiritual.

He used what they knew about plants and related it DIRECTLY to their relationship with Him.

As we watch Jesus make the jump from gardening to the heart of the gospel, He explains He is the Vine. We are the branches.

"Remain in Me, and I will remain in you."

It's a personal invitation from God to us.

To me.

To you.

Come.

BE WITH ME.

Sit.

Breathe.

Rest.

Tell me all your worries, fears, concerns, and doubts.

Let me hold those for you.

And in return, let me GIVE you My wisdom, strength, hope, courage, joy, love, and peace.

Let me fill you with them, with ME.

Remain in me, and I will remain in you.

Doesn't that sound WONDERFUL?!

I feel like I am at the ocean, feet in the sand, waves gently lapping over my bare toes.

I can see the water for miles and miles and miles.

The waves keep coming, one after another.

I am reminded how God's faithfulness never ends, how His justice rolls like the ocean tide.  

I think of how His mercies are new every morning.

That His love washes over me, day after day after day.

And then the screach of a child interrupts my peaceful moment.

Someone needs their butt wiped, or bagel spread with cream cheese.

Someone used the green cup when they KNOW that is their sister's absolute favorite color.

Someone ate the tiger vitamin and left her sister with only a hippo or elephant to choose from.

Someone can't find their shoes, or socks, or backback, or laptop, or iPad.

Someone forgot to charge their device, or pack their lunch.

Someone took the last coconut lime yogurt.

Someone can't find their red shirt that they *HAVE* to wear every Thursday and NO other shirt will do, how dare you even suggest 1 of the other 17+ shirts hanging in the closet.

And it's only 7:26 am.

Real life comes crashing down, making it real hard to "remain in Jesus."

ABIDING doesn't come easy.

At least not for me.

I want to retreat to the mountains, where I can gaze at a serene lake and see my reflection in the calm, still water.  But I can't even go to the bathroom by myself.

I want to drink hot coffee and eat hot food.

I want to walk across the living room floor without stepping on a forgotten lego.

I want the laundry to fold itself.

And when are they going to invent self-cleaning toilets?

The responsibilities of life can overwhelm me, distracting me from the One who can help me navigate these rough waters of motherhood.

He's also really good at managing marriage stuff, job stuff (ANY and EVERY line of work is His forte), finanical stuff, or any other kind of STUFF you have going on in your life.  

He's got you covered.  

Even in the midst of the storm, the invitation is there:

"Remain in Me, and I will remain in you."

While the chaos is still going on all around us, we can CHOOSE to fix our eyes on Jesus.

In addition to the passage in John 15, God directed me to a verse in Isaiah 26.

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"

And so that has been my prayer and desire this year.

I haven't been perfect, not by far.

I fall short every single day.

But every morning I get a fresh start.

And so even when life is overwhelming and I have lots to do, I want to FIRST take time to BE.

To spend time with Jesus in the Word.

I decided to stop using my phone and get out my Bible.

Ya know, the book made out of paper, where you TOUCH and turn the PAGES.

No more swipping.

Instead, I got out a pen or pencil or whatever I could find and started underlining and jotting down notes and even doodling some drawings.

I get interrupted more times than I can count.

My coffee gets cold.

But I tell ya what, my Bible has been read more this year than in a LOOOOONG time.

I am LEARNING to abide.

To rest.

To breathe.

To fix my eyes on Jesus.

To remain in Him, no matter what is going on around me.

In January, I did a quick water color painting and handlettered ABIDE in the middle.

I hung up my word of the year where I could see it every day.

Little did I know I would be "STUCK" at home every single day.

I had no idea there would be a STAY-AT-HOME order from the mayor, governor, and President.

I knew nothing of COVID-19.

Quaratine and social distancing weren't in my vocabulary.

And yet, here we are, 3ish weeks in to our "new normal." 

In some ways, we have been "forced" to slow down.

To rest.

To BE.

I wonder, what if during this time of being "cut off" from the world, we CHOOSE to draw near to Jesus.  To remain in Him.  To abide.

Ironically, during this time of isolation, I have felt MORE connected to people.

My community has "come together" in so many ways.

We have put teddy bears in windows, done Zoom calls with teachers, learned sign language from our friends' new YouTube videos, dropped off donuts on porches, shared toilet paper, mailed unicorn drawings to friends, read books on Facebook Lives, supported local restuarants by ordering supper to go, drawn beautiful chalk art on sidewalks, sent flowers, and so much more.

As I rode my bike yesterday, I noticed how the trees were starting to bud.

The branches were full of "berries."

A friend shared on Facebook the other day how the Earth is coming alive.

Spring is here.

And so is HOPE.

Even in the midst of this pandemic, we can CHOOSE peace.

With all the unknowns swirling around us, we can fix our eyes on Jesus.

We can lay our worries, fears, concerns, and doubts at His feet.

He will carry them for us.

In return, He is ready to give us His wisdom, strength, courage, love, joy, peace, and hope.

He is so willing to fill us with Himself.

The invitation stands:

"Remain in Me, and I will remain in you."

And as I look back at the definitions of ABIDE, I am struck with how fitting the first one is for us right now.

We have the choice to ABIDE and "act in accordance with the rules" our leaders have put in place.

That doesn't mean life stops though.

We keep on living!

Like the 3rd meaning reminds us.

We can ABIDE through this time, continuing WITHOUT fading or being lost.

What if during this SHUT DOWN, we find our hearts being lifted UP?!

What if, even as we are separated, we continue to come together in creative ways?

We can be and MUST be intentional about reaching out to others.

Social media and technology are super amazing, and we can use them to remind each other we are NOT alone.  We can also send "snail mail."  Or tape encouraging words or construction paper flowers in our windows.  We can wave from our driveways.  The possibilities are endless.  

We are all in this together.  

And together, we will rise.

I pray, even as finaces are tight, the streets are empty, and our homes are filled with noise, so much noise, we can rest, breathe, and simply BE.

I pray we learn to fix our eyes on Jesus.

To experience His perfect peace.

To remain in Him, so He can remain in us.

May we ABIDE...

Who knew my word for 2020 would play itself out like this?!

As we look back on this weird time in history, may the fruit, and LIFE, and GOOD that comes out of all this truly amaze us!

Waiting, Paperwork, and More Waiting

Getting to the airport for your flight.
Checking in at the nurse's counter for your doctor's appointment.
Filing out paperwork for an adoption.

What do all of these have in common?

Ever heard of the phrase "hurry up and wait?"

Arrive at the airport at least 2 hours before your plane leaves, check in your bags, make it through security, and grab an overpriced cup of coffee.

Then, wait in the not-so-comfortable chairs in your designated terminal, only to hear the announcement that your flight has been delayed due to inclement weather conditions.

Sign in on the clipboard right on time, maybe even a few minutes early, with all the paperwork needed to become a new patient, and fill out the countless forms that seem to ask the same questions over and over again.

Then, sit in the not-so-comfortable chairs in the waiting room for what seems like hours while you try to keep your children entertained and fed so they don't destroy the place or starve in the 47 minutes you are there waiting for your appointment that was supposed to start almost an hour ago.

Print off all the documents and schedule all the appointments necessary to complete the paperwork, fill out all the papers in black (or blue) ink, get them notarized, have them verified, send them off to a courier service who will have them verified 2 more times, and try not to panic about all the fees that are adding up.

Then, wait.
And wait some more.
And then fill out some more paperwork.
Send in another check.
Wait yet again.

Receive news that your application was accepted.
Wait for the next step.

Rejoice that your dossier was processed.
Ask what the next step is.
Sigh.
Resign yourself to doing the only thing you can do - WAIT.

And pray.
Always wait and pray.
The 2 go hand in hand.

That's where we are right now in the whole adoption process.
Waiting and praying.
Praying and waiting.

Our dossier was registered in December, and the average wait time for being matched is 18 months to 3 years.  Yes, YEARS.

We are on month 3.
And I am already impatient.

The process seems to be taking FOR-EV-ER. 
Try to say it like the kid in the movie Sandlot.
Only slower.
MUCH slower.

Yet, it's already been a year since we had our visit for our homestudy and almost a whole year since our homestudy was completed.  Which means come June we will have to update our homestudy, and do more paperwork.  Then, wait for that to be processed, and accepted. 

Adoption is a cycle of waiting, filling out paperwork, paying fees, and praying.
You repeat this over and over and over again. 

We just recently filled out more paperwork - new Power of Attorney documents - because our agency WACAP merged with Holt International.  I think this merge is a good thing, but just those 2 new documents cost us around $200!!! 

We are waiting to receive them back from the Department of State and Haitian Embassy in DC.  Then, we can send them to Holt, who will send them to Haiti to add to our dossier.
And guess what we do then?
Yep, wait.

Wait for IBESR (a part of the Haitian government) to match us with our boys.

That is the hardest part of all this.
Not knowing who our sons are.
We already love our boys.
But, we certainly look forward to learning who they are and seeing pictures of them.
Then, we can love their eyes, their noses, their smiles, and everything about them.

Until then, we wait.
And pray.

Would you join us?
*Pray for our documents to return from DC this coming week.
*Pray for those documents to arrive in Haiti quickly and to be added to our dossier.
*Pray for our agency to be able to make a trip to Haiti so they can advocate for waiting families and help children be matched.
*Pray for us to raise the funds we will need once we are matched.  We have a little over $10,000 in our adoption account and will need about $20,000 MORE as soon as we are matched!